10th January 2023
She is nearing the dreadful 40.
I had faced the same existential question 6 months back when I crossed the milestone.
I didn’t react well.
I fought with everyone and got depressed, but my work forced me to come out of the self-loathing.
Mid-life crisis for me was not about flashy cars.
I hate the obsession with cars. But it was about looking young that my wife pointed out has reached absurd levels, with my tight t-shirts and brands that appeal only to the 20-something crowd.
She shared a link on how to age gracefully – a quick fix pointer type article, albeit from the cult-like TED talks.
I nodded in agreement with the author on one aspect – chasing awe-inspiring moments.
Chase an awe-inspiring experience for resetting from an inhumane work schedule.
Chase an awe-inspiring experience to find perspective when everything in life seems urgent.
Chase an awe-inspiring experience when the comparison with peers reaches an unhealthy magnitude.
But chasing awe-inspiring experiences had nothing to do with Aging.
The author also warns against competing against the mini-skirt-wearing younger generation.
After a certain age, you are not supposed to wear any of this, it seems!
I found that advice misleading and observed that the article didn’t address the #1 factor that makes you aware that you are aging – the Body.
In a quest to make my point clear through the character-limiting and context-missing social media chat app, I shared about the glaring omission.
She pigeonholed me into a typical guy who thinks only about sex.
If I were to rewrite that 6-pointer quick fix on Aging gracefully, I would address the biggest elephant in the room: The body.
How do you react when new moles, black/white patches, and deteriorating skin become a new reality with age?
I keenly observe the turkey neck and the unpatched hand skin of celebrities who went under the knife.
A feeling of sadness emanates when I see these images.
The hot 90s diva is trying hard to appeal to the 2020s 20-something and teenage crowd.
I can’t blame them.
Once you have built an image of a hot person, the repeat telecast, YouTube clips, and social media following disconnect the sad reality of time passing by.
You are not the same person anymore, let alone the same person with the same skin.
Even mild mannerisms of old people start appearing in strange frequency.
One peculiar behavior is the uninitiated opening of the mouth – perhaps a sign that the person needs more oxygen to manage the long-winding conversations.
I saw that in a recent movie where a diva of the 90s, now in her 50s, wore low-cut tops, competing with the 20-something and a 40-something woman in the scene.
While I was amazed at the tautness of her skin, holding on to the forces of gravity, her age was revealed in one scene where she ever so slightly opened her mouth to inhale some oxygen for the 2-page long exposition.
Men are conditioned to find sex appeal even the most homely woman.
Women are conditioned to fix the man and practice turning the inner child to a man before the floating worms came out of his warm knickers and ballooned their tummies.
A car that has nothing to do with a stripper-like girl, will without fail feature a woman in scantly clad clothes – hinting at the potential of acquiring the woman if we had possessed the overpriced car.
When a woman moves away from the ‘fun’ image, she feels invisible.
No 20-something is looking forward to hooking up with a 40-year-old woman unless it is for some bragging rights in cocktail conversations - to share the desperation of the woman and not the man who pursued the chase.
How I know it – I was 20 once. I know the locker room talk.
The obsession with keeping score of bedding most women - that was the only thing a man in his 20s was obsessed about.
Every fun event or party is designed with this objective.
One conversation with a close friend who was unmarried at that time was about the booty call of a lawyer in her 40s.
The first two encounters were fun, then my friend, who had postponed marriage to his mid-30s, shared the sadness that most ‘free’ women share privately, “I felt used.”
“The third time I went out of the lobby of the hotel, I didn’t feel like I scored. I felt used.”
The feeling of jealousy for the other ‘free’ person is a momentary feeling.
The reality is harsh in a metric-obsessed world.
Ask anyone who is dating.
The algorithmic elimination by height, muscle build, and skin color is so obvious that society assumes there are infinite men with infinite potential.
What women are searching for is to be in bed with the 2% who, after a childhood trauma, are overcompensating with worldly acquisitions, unaware or perhaps realizing that their ‘wins’ have no meaning in the long run.
The lonely nerds that the women ignored in high school are the ones they are chasing now in their 20s.
The jocks with no interesting conversations are the ones they are matching on heights.
No one is searching for a great conversationalist or a person with a unique perspective on life. These people are not fun. They are disconnected from the mass delusion about Instagram life and chase for likes.
The young generation keeps swiping like a monkey in a lab, waiting for the next feed, next pleasure, next echo chamber of political discourses, building tribes for causes where they have no power.
The digital realm builds an illusion of control.
Inevitably, the 30s happen. And If you follow society’s norm - kids arrive.
Your responsibility changes.
Your self-image is reprogrammed from a sex-obsessed person to a responsible father; the woman’s search metamorphizes from the search for the prince charming to the search for quick recipes for the nightly feast.
Your search for being ‘free’ with your body is regulated by the children’s comments about your attire.
You become an Uncle or Aunt or Dad Bod or Mom Bod.
You care less about your body.
You realize that it is a losing battle.
You tried.
You obsessed over it.
You scored with it.
But you don’t want a 20-something hitting on you or lusting over your body.
I felt good when I see women of my age lusting over me.
I felt weird when a late 40s or early 50s woman looked at me with lust after a few drinks.
She was with her husband.
I didn’t feel good. I thought about her teenage kids – the embarrassment he would have knowing that his mother could have desires, too.
Women are unequally associated with kids and household responsibilities. It is unfair.
Men don’t face the same discrimination. They are selfish.
Society has accepted their selfishness.
An aging Hollywood actor marrying a 30-something eye candy is considered normal. Now, switch the roles and list the reverse.
It is a ticking timebomb of when the man will leave the aging woman.
It is the ‘image’ of the mother that puts the libido to rest.
No man is carnal to ignore such an instinctual association of an aging woman with a mother.
And so lies the rub on all this advice on aging gracefully - articles written by women for other women without sharing the underlying biological and psychological factors.
The image of an aging woman is not an eyesore. It is freeing once woman realizes that they no longer need to impress men in their 20s and 30s. They are not looking.
Men see their mothers. And it is not sexy.
Let go of all the images of a hot body and live up to society’s expectations of a skirt or mini skirt or saree or covered fully or scantly clad.
It is your choice.
Be free for yourself without any goals until your kids or spouse bully you into wearing something appropriate. Till then, test your limits!